We Don't Design Ceiling Fans for Less Than $10,000 a Day

By the turn of the millennium, some of the most iconic supermodels of the '80s and '90s were aging out of the merciless but high-paying job of publicly wearing expensive clothes.  In order to remain relevant, many altered their career trajectories:  Linda Evangelista became the face of L’Oréal Paris; Heidi Klum signed a lucrative contract to co-host Project Runway; Janice Dickinson became a legendarily quarrelsome reality TV habitué; and so on.

A star can generate significant income by selling his or her name. Whether it’s a dazzling red-carpet collaboration (e.g., Lady Gaga donning a multimillion-dollar Tiffany necklace at the Oscars), a sleazy TV endorsement (e.g., a wizened and strangely excitable Joe Namath working himself into a frenzy as he plugs the scammy Medicare Advantage program), or a desperate late-career cash grab (e.g., Richard Simmons permitting his cranial likeness to be manufactured as a Chia Pet), a corporate partnership is one of the easiest ways for a famous person to rake in some extra money. 

But there is a more extreme form of celebrity huckster to which we would like to draw your attention:  the ex-model-turned-home-furnishings-designer.  Today, we will examine the ne plus ultra of this species of peddler:  Kathy Ireland.

Career history:  Ireland was “discovered” at age 17, whereupon she launched her modeling career.  From 1984 to 1996, she was a frequent feature in Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions.  During this time, Ireland rounded out her résumé by starring in various box office failures and playing bit parts in doomed sitcoms.

Entrance to hucksterism:  In 1993, as her modeling career showed early signs of flagging, the entrepreneuse “designed” a line of socks for K-Mart.

Current company:  kathy ireland Worldwide® (kiWW®)

Above:  the kathy ireland Worldwide® advertising aesthetic is defined by hastily-assembled collages of stock photographs. 

Headquarters:  Its website breathlessly informs us, “kiWW® maintains offices and design studios in Honolulu, Hawaii, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara kathy ireland Worldwide maintains Head Quarters in Rancho Mirage,CA.”

Slogan:  "...finding solutions for families, especially busy moms."™  The quotation marks are apparently part of the trademarked slogan, suggesting Ireland, or somebody else, actually uttered the words; the ellipsis, one of countless on the website, implies the statement had a beginning part that failed to make it to the trademarking stage.  (Elsewhere on the website, Ireland alarmingly puts "going to sleep" in quotation marks when dispensing wisdom to harried parents of insomniac children, casting a murderous, Godfatherian cloud over her motherly advice.)

Products:  kiWW® plasters its name on an unsettling array of items, presented on the site in an almost interminable stream-of-consciousness-style list: "furniture, flooring, decorative surfaces, lighting and accessories, window treatments, replacement windows, home office and entertainment, leather and microfiber, infant, youth and adult top of bed, bedding, candles, hand-painted fine porcelain, decorative shelving, apparel, fresh-cut flowers, skin-care for men and women, wall coverings, ceiling fans, mattresses, totes, hand bags, travel bags, frames, wall décor, clocks, Design It Yourself jewelry and crafting supplies, kitchen and bath cabinetry, infant furniture, Ready to Assemble (RTA), decorative shelving, fine jewelry, wigs and hair extensions,  real estate, vacation events, wedding program licenses, music and film licenses, publishing, greeting cards, Kathy is the author of six books."

Qualifications for promoting these items:  It’s not surprising that Ireland would put her imprimatur on fashion- and appearance-related goods like jewelry and wigs; less apparent are her credentials to hawk things like mattresses, kitchen cabinetry, and music licenses.

Evidence of the “designer” at work:  In the clunkily-titled video “ki Home by Shaw Fall Flooring Days”, a particularly haggard Ireland, clad in a white lab coat, observes and gesticulates as swarming technicians subject nearby rug samples to various tests; this behind-the-scenes footage is intercut with clips of the visibly exhausted ex-supermodel haranguing skeptical showroom browsers about her flooring products.  

Above:  the "designer" feigns scrutiny of carpet pile.

Meta-endorsements:  Sometimes, in what we dub "meta-endorsements", celebrities openly declare support for other celebrities’ products or services.  A video promoting kiWW® reveals that the star galaxy takes a generally favorable view of the onetime catwalker’s undertakings. “She’s brilliant,” gushes late fellow pitchwoman Elizabeth Taylor.  “I think she’s a hero,” confesses former chart-topper Anita Pointer.  Only ‘80s primetime soap fixture Joan Van Ark seems reluctant to bestow such ecstatic praise, instead tendering a strictly fact-based appraisal of Ireland’s activities.  “For the women down at the Los Angeles Mission,” Van Ark states mechanically, her countenance expressionless, “she has donated furniture.”

Above:  A grinning Ireland, restrained by Liz Taylor's bloated claw, poses at a World AIDS Day photo-op.  

Representative products:  Interior design rules, advises Ireland, “are made to be broken.”  She also reminds us that “your accessories tell a story about you to guests.”  With these insights in mind, we have selected three sample items from Ireland’s collections for your consideration.

1.  "Brushed copper antique clock with coffee mug graphic"  

Story this product tells your guests:  You purchase and enjoy furnishings that depict food and beverage items.

Interior design rule broken by this product:  Do not decorate your home as if it were a coffee shop in a mid-90s sitcom.

2.  "Reef Reflections Decorative Accessory"

Story this product tells to your guests:  You shop blindfolded.

Interior design rule broken by this product:  When selecting seaweed-motif objets, take care to avoid those that resemble manmade disasters like chemical plant explosions and ruptured oil tankers.

3.  "Sandy Retreat Table Lamp"

Story this product tells your guests:  You also own a pair of khaki slacks embroidered with scores of tiny red lobsters.

Interior design rule broken by this product:  Tacky beach furniture is not an aesthetically appealing decorative accent, even when rendered in miniature.  

Gesture of humility to millions of paying customers:  Following the initiatives of important poet e.e. cummings and Grammy winner k.d. lang, Ireland does not capitilize her initials when they appear in her company's name.

Approximate earnings:  kiWW® raked in $1.4 billion of retail sales last year.  As the helmswoman of the empire, Ireland herself is thought to earn in excess of $10 million annually, far exceeding Linda Evangelista's fabled, but relatively piddling, $10,000 a day.

Hundreds of Royals Prepare for Plebeian Wedding

As May 1st draws nigh, hundreds of international bluebloods are descending upon Bradford, Vermont to witness the nuptials of local philistines LoRayne Cherner and Gerard "Spud" Conway. Members of royal families the world over will join a horde of working-class rabble -- friends and family of the provincial couple -- to observe the raucous and uncivilized ceremony at Bradford's Henry P. McGreevy VFW lodge. Many aristocrats have already set up camp outside the building to ensure prime viewing posts, since the smitten troglodytes did not make a seating arrangment and "watchin' benches" will be available only on a first-come, first-served basis.

"It will be a delight to be present for the union of these penniless commoners," said Princess Madeleine of Sweden, Duchess of Hälsingland and Gästrikland. "Even if they don't know the difference between a chipped beef server and a lettuce fork."

Prince of Orange Willem-Alexander -- heir apparent to the throne of the Kingdom of the Netherlands and another noble spectator among the throng of lowly peasants -- told Crabnox, "I consider it my sovereign duty and divine obligation to attend the matrimony of these undignified proles, for whom Hamburger Helper is haute cuisine."

LoRayne will don an off-the-rack polyester-elastane-blend gown from Lubiana's of Sidewalk Village in Barre, Vermont, while Spud will wear his uncle Hank's "lucky tux".

There is no formal guest list for the contemptibly lowbrow marriage, but according to a neighbor of the cretinous fiancés, "The relatives will all be there, and LoRayne invited most of her kids. 'Course there's that flea market downstreet on Saturdays, so we might get some runoff from that, too."

Betty White to Play All 4 Lead Roles in ‘Golden Girls’ Remake

The Betty White revival continues its unprecedented momentum with news that the star is reprising the role of Rose Nylund, her ditzy Golden Girls character, in the big screen remake of the ‘80s-‘90s TV hit.  Picking up five years after the sitcom left off, the still-untitled film, which started production last month, depicts the four friends as they move from their beloved house to an assisted living complex.  

In addition to renewing her role as Rose, White will also star as characters Blanche Devereaux, Dorothy Zbornak, and Sophia Petrillo, originally played by Rue McClanahan, Bea Arthur, and Estelle Getty, respectively.   

The film’s screenplay was completed in the late ‘90s, but, due the failing health and eventual deaths of three of the stars, a movie remake never seemed feasible and the script languished on the shelf until recently.  A studio executive explained, “Thanks to Betty’s popularity, the whole ‘80s moment pop culture is having, computers, and a few wigs, the Golden Girls movie became more than just a dream.”

The film is slated for fall 2011 release to maximize box office revenue and Oscar buzz.  Our source commented, “Betty’s one of the great actresses of our time.  We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, but she may make Oscar history when she receives four best actress noms for four different roles...in the same film!”

Above:  an early scene in the upcoming Golden Girls film.

Crabnox Introduces Budget Keyboard

Just because times are tough doesn't mean your computer equipment will take a break from malfunctioning.  Especially your keyboard, one of the first pieces of computer equipment to break due to its constant use and propensity to attract dust, crumbs, and insects. 

But don't worry. ICM (International Crabnox Machines) is proud to introduce its latest innovation, the Budget Keyboard, for belt-tightening letter users. At only $3.95 per unit, it's cheaper than a fast food meal, so you can use it day and night and not break a sweat "if" it falls apart and you have to buy a replacement.

The ICM Budget Keyboard features the same high-tech styling seen on those designer 100-button keyboards but keeps its cost low by eliminating many superfluous keys (who can afford two "SHIFT" keys?). And at only 6" x 3", the IPM Budget Keyboard is highly portable for those on-the-go computer users.

Here are some glowing testimonials from satisfied users of the ICM Budget Keyboard:


"Mie phriend likes Crabnox" 

"Crabnox dis is a nice keeboard"

"Perphek I plan on bie dis Crabnox keeboard phor mie mom"

"Crabnox keeboard been a boon phor mie ophis"

"Crabnox keeboard is phab"


Ordr soon--sahplie is limidded!

Product Label Analysis

Pictured here is label found on Spice Select's "BEEF Flavored BOUILLON CUBES".  We shall demonstrate the success of the package's design through an examination and analysis of the complex illustration seen on the front of the label.

The complexity of the label's design lies in its brilliantly devised depiction of several distinct periods of time within a single image. The illustrator has achieved the closest approximation of a moving image (e.g., a television ad) possible with a static, two-dimensional label illustration. The result is a narrative describing the entire process of consuming the bouillon cubes, from start to finish. Unlike a moving image or series of still images (e.g., a multi-panel ad), the bouillon cube illustration simultaneously presents four separate events or states that would normally occur over a period of perhaps ten or more minutes.

The normal preparation of bouillon cubes can be summarized by describing a linear sequence of events; for example: 1) foil removed from cube(s); 2) cube(s) added to preparation vessel; 3) finished gravy mixture added to serving vessel; 4) filled serving vessel garnished and added to table.

However, in the Spice Selects image, these four events occur in the same instant. In the image, three cubes remain in their foil wrappers, representing the state of the cubes after purchase and before consumption; the foil also ascribes a quality of newness to the cubes. However, in spite of being new and unwrapped, the cubes are already being put to use: they are in the process of tumbling (with tremendous speed, incidentally) toward a waiting vessel. But the vessel contains gravy that is already prepared and adding another cube to the mixture would unfavorably alter the taste; adding three would ruin it completely (the depiction of so many cubes, in such close proximity to the jubilant "75 Cubes" claim, is probably meant to evoke the bounty offered by this 10.5 ounce container). It is important to remark that the addition of these cubes to the existing mixture is not being shown as a attempt to improve the flavor of the mixture; note that the vessel is full with no traces of its having even been sampled. Furthermore, the gravy is already in a mug (serving vessel), not a saucepan (preparation vessel); that and the parsley sprig garnish underneath it imply that the gravy has been satisfactorily prepared and that the mug itself has already been presented for use on a dining table.

To attempt to explain this image as a depiction of a single moment would require creating a convoluted backstory. For instance: the consumer prepared some gravy and, apparently satisfied with the result, poured it into a mug; he placed a decorative sprig of parsley on the table and put the full mug on top of it; however, seconds later, the gravy still steaming and unsampled, he somehow determined the gravy was not satisfactorily prepared after all; he decided to add an astonishing three cubes to that 8-ounce mug of gravy (for which quantity just one cube is recommended by the label's instructions) but after removing the cubes from the package, failed to unwrap them; and now, in the image before us, we see the consumer's frenzied act of adding three unwrapped cubes to an already prepared and presented vessel of gravy (probably before the astonished eyes of other dinner guests, as an 8-ounce mug of gravy is too large a quantity to be consumed by the average diner).

Conversely, to regard the image as an overlapping series of separate events gives us a satisfactory result. With one quick glance, we witness the entire process of preparing gravy using Spice Select's product. From the metallic allure of fresh, unwrapped cubes to the promise of the rich flavor offered by the filled and garnished mug, the entire sequence is presented to us at once, which has the added benefit of implying ease and quickness of preparation. We can compare this simultaneous representation of temporally separate events to one of Picasso's Cubist paintings, wherein we might see the subject's face depicted from several different angles at once.

CRABNOX ARCHIVE: Easter Candy Sales Report

From the Crabnox archives (April 16, 2009)


Now that the Easter holiday has passed, marketing analysts are examining the season's best- and worst-selling candies. Today, CRABNOX will focus on a product introduced this year by the Palmer brand. A rare combination of the chocolatier's art and Freudian psychoanalytic theory, Palmer's "Baby Binks" is a hollow, figural bunny with gaping eye sockets. 

Designers of the sweet sought to combine the beloved taste of milk chocolate with Freud's classic theory of castration anxiety, represented by the absence of eyes. Although early brainstorming sessions predicted that an Easter candy with cerebral overtones ("the thinking man's treat") could become the runaway hit of the season, subsequent post-Easter focus group studies revealed that Baby Binks, with his metaphorically removed testicles, instilled feelings of fear in all male subjects. 

Currently, Palmer has no plans to resurrect the product next Easter.  For a limited time, the many that went unsold before the holiday can now be obtained at grocery and drug stores for as little as $0.54.

Below: the anxiety-provoking confection in and out of its packaging.

The Crabnox Insta-title

Have you completed a film but stalled out on creating a title? If so, your worries are over. With its new INSTA-TITLE, CRABNOX makes that most difficult aspect of movie production easy. Simply take any word from the first box and any word from the second box, and you have the perfect title. The word banks contain vague entries that can signify almost anything, which means that regardless of your film's genre, the INSTA-TITLE will give you an appropriate appellation.  

Ready for the sequel? Take your film's title, add "2:" to the end, and follow the steps above with the word banks below.  For more important sequels, we recommend using "II:" instead.

Here are some samples to get you started:

Unintended Sacrifices 

Unintended Sacrifices 2: The Other Side of Madness 

Secret Moments  

Secret Moments 2: On the Verge of Tomorrow

Forbidden Vengeance

Forbidden Vengeance II:  Brink of Insanity