As May 1st draws nigh, hundreds of international bluebloods are descending upon Bradford, Vermont to witness the nuptials of local philistines LoRayne Cherner and Gerard "Spud" Conway. Members of royal families the world over will join a horde of working-class rabble -- friends and family of the provincial couple -- to observe the raucous and uncivilized ceremony at Bradford's Henry P. McGreevy VFW lodge. Many aristocrats have already set up camp outside the building to ensure prime viewing posts, since the smitten troglodytes did not make a seating arrangment and "watchin' benches" will be available only on a first-come, first-served basis.
"It will be a delight to be present for the union of these penniless commoners," said Princess Madeleine of Sweden, Duchess of Hälsingland and Gästrikland. "Even if they don't know the difference between a chipped beef server and a lettuce fork."
Prince of Orange Willem-Alexander -- heir apparent to the throne of the Kingdom of the Netherlands and another noble spectator among the throng of lowly peasants -- told Crabnox, "I consider it my sovereign duty and divine obligation to attend the matrimony of these undignified proles, for whom Hamburger Helper is haute cuisine."
LoRayne will don an off-the-rack polyester-elastane-blend gown from Lubiana's of Sidewalk Village in Barre, Vermont, while Spud will wear his uncle Hank's "lucky tux".
There is no formal guest list for the contemptibly lowbrow marriage, but according to a neighbor of the cretinous fiancés, "The relatives will all be there, and LoRayne invited most of her kids. 'Course there's that flea market downstreet on Saturdays, so we might get some runoff from that, too."
