Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Defining the "Classics"


Spaghetti and meatballs. Shepard's pie. Mashed potatoes and gravy.  And "Tortilla Crusted Fish"? While the first three menu options are self-evident classics-traditional dishes that have been prepared the same way for generations-the fourth item is one of countless new products being dubbed "classic" by its manufacturer. The spate of nouveaux classics in grocery aisles led Crabnox to wonder what criteria are being used to deem them so. We ignored that these products are all suspiciously self-described as such (indeed, in a nod to the fact that Coca-Cola is a world-recognized classic, the company recently began the process of eliminating that superfluous label from its products and promotions). Crabnox food investigator Professor Krumsville sent a letter (see below) to several corporations to query about these products and found many interesting claims. In some cases, a product is a classic if it reinforces gender stereotypes. In others, the term refers to an item's poor quality.

Professor Krumsville used the following template for his letters to various manufacturers:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am interested in your [brand name] line of products, especially the [classic product name]. Can you please explain, in detail, why these [items] are "classics"? Do they have "modern" or "contemporary" counterparts?

I am very interested in buying the product, but first require more information about the "classic" aspect.

I am eagerly awaiting your reply.

Sincerely,

Professor Krumsville

Below are the four products Professor Krumsville inquired about, along with the corporate responses and analyses by Crabnox. Note: errors in the corporate responses (such as exotic capitalization and non-traditional punctuation) added a humantistic touch to the faceless email replies Professor Krumsville received and are preserved below.

Case Study 1: Spice Classics


Products: Various inexpensive, mostly salt-based spices and seasonings, including poultry seasoning, seasoned salt, garlic salt, light chili powder, and celery salt.

Corporate Response:
Dear Mr. Krumsville:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We appreciate your interest in our Spice Classics Product and welcome the opportunity to be of assistance to you.

Spice Classics is the name we have given to one of our lower quality line of spices and it contains only the most popular spices and blends used by consumers. Most have a shorter shelf life and may not impart the same depth of flavor as our regular and premium line of McCormick Spices. These can be found in Drug Stores and many 99 cents stores.

We hope to have the continued pleasure of serving you.

Sincerely,
Ann Hamilton
Consumer Affairs Administrator
Ref # 1252236

Analysis: Like Edsel, Ford's 1950s bomb that became a dubious classic by virtue of its faulty craftsmanship, Spice Classics are, according to Consumer Affairs Administrator Ann Hamiliton, so-named because of their shoddy quality.  That and their popularity have won them status as downmarket staples. McCormick does not conceal the fact that the flavor dissipates rapidly and the products can be found at low-end retail outlets. Although several of the various seasonings are admittedly classics (such as ground black pepper), Crabnox found it curious that McCormick was so eager to explain the aspect of inferiority. A crafty marketing maneuver calculated to promote their higher-end spice lines? Or a resigned admission of what the world already knows?

Unexplained Aspect of Product: That such basic spices have less flavor and shelf life. What is McCormick doing or not doing to Spice Classics black pepper that renders it weaker in taste and condemns it to an earlier shelf death than "regular" and "premium" black pepper?

Case Study 2: Stouffer's Homestyle Classics

Products: Various frozen meals.

Corporate Response:
Dear Mr. Krumsville,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us about STOUFFER'S® Escalloped Chicken & Noodles. We welcome questions and comments from loyal consumers such as yourself and appreciate this opportunity to assist you.

We have researched your inquiry and STOUFFER’S® Homestyle Classics- Escalloped Chicken & Noodles is a creamy casserole dish consisting of white meat chicken, fettuccine egg noodles, and vegetables; topped with toasted bread crumbs. It is a Homestyle dinner because it is the type of casserole a mom would make at home versus a restaurant style meal. It is a classic meal because it falls in our traditional, 'homestyle' American favorites.

We appreciate your interest in our products and hope you will visit our website often for the latest information on our products and promotions.

Sincerely,

Roxanne Rizzo
Consumer Response Representative


Analysis: Consumer Response Representative Roxanne Rizzo responded directly about "Escalloped Chicken & Noodles", although Professor Krumsville did not ask about a specific meal from the Homestyle Classics product line. The most interesting point Rizzo makes is that this is the "type of casserole a mom would make at home." In other words, and according to what Rizzo "researched", it is a homestyle meal because it upholds the stereotype of the 1950s stay-at-home mom who toils all day to prepare a meal for the rest of her nuclear family. And because it is a homestyle meal, Ms. Rizzo claims, it is a classic. Therefore, it is a classic because it sets back the women's liberation movement several decades.

Possible Follow-up Questions: If prepared by a member of the transsexual community, do these Stouffer's meals lose their "classic" status? Can nations where women are forbidden to vote be considered "classic countries" because they support the view that women should have limited rights?

Case Study 3: Progresso Vegetable Classics

Products: Canned soups in a variety of flavors, including macaroni and bean, creamy mushroom, and 99% fat free lentil.

Corporate Response:
Hello Mr. Krumsville:
Thank you for contacting Progresso with your inquiry. In answer to your question, the Progresso Vegetable Classics are the name of our soups that are mainly vegetables and were some of the first soups Progresso ever manufactured. We have several lines of Progresso Soups from the Vegetable Classics to the Progresso Lite line of soups. Please visit our website to see the many soups we have.

We hope you find this information helpful. Please let us know if we can help you again.

Thank you,

Paula A. Vaughn
Customer Care Specialist

Analysis: Paula Vaughn, the specialist assigned by Progresso to this case, provided the seemingly most appropriate definition of classics: products that the company has made since its inception. However, Crabnox wonders if 99% fat free options even existed 100 years ago, when Progresso first started out. Additionally, were ingredients such as granular cheese, corn protein (hydrolized), potassium chloride, and Diacetyl Tartaric (Acid) Ester of Monoglyceride, all components of various Vegetable Classics, really used in some of "the first soups Progresso ever manufactured?"

Most Plaintive Moment of Corporate Response: "Please visit our website to see the many soups we have."

Case Study 4: Pantene Pro-V Classic Care

Products: Various hair cleansing and treatment solutions, including a "2 in 1" shampoo and conditioner.

Corporate Response: Pending (281 days and counting).

Possible Explanation of "Classic" Status: Per the label: the product "cleans and conditions hair in one easy step: is specially designed to make hair shiny and healthy-looking from root to tip; leaves hair manageable and strong against damage". Curiously, though, no "step" (i.e., specific action to be undertaken by the end user) is actually disclosed. The label also pronounces authoritatively that "You have normal hair," and subsequently decrees that "You want strong and healthy hair that shines."

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Snuggle Bear Found Murdered

AP-In the early hours of the morning, beloved anthropomorphic detergent spokesmammal the Snuggle Bear was found brutally murdered in an alley in Manhattan's Hell's Kitchen neighborhood. While authorities have few leads, the slaying may have resulted from a drug deal gone awry. According to a family friend, the Snuggle Bear became addicted to crystal meth and cocaine after he lost his personal fortune financing "Alien vs the Snuggle Bear," his big-screen debut, which proved a massive critical and commercial failure. "He was a broken bear," the friend confided. "When he couldn't make it in Hollywood, drugs became his only escape." At this time, no suspects have been named. The Snuggle Bear was 52 bear years old.


Above: at the pinnacle of his career, the Snuggle Bear was one of the world's highest paid ursine media personalities.

Above: the slain corpse of the Snuggle Bear.


Reviews of Bad Poetry

Crabnox's foray into the poetic realm has already generated controversy and polarized the world of verse reviewers.  Below, read Crabnox's masterpiece followed by some actual reviews of the work.  Note:  grammatical and other errors present in the poem are intentional features.




Poem To Steven
I heard them say love can’t pay the rent,
Now, I’m getting evict from my mansion of affection.
You never accepted the deposit,
Of my heart.
First month, last month, no love, not from you
“I have feelings too.”
Wounded, burned
My heart yearned
You made my head turned when I first saw you
I thought your feelings were true
My heart beat a million times when I met you,
My heart sank a billion times when we said goodbye,
And I cried a trillion tears this morning.

For this melancholy thing, to me, to happen, I never would have been believin’.
My
Dearest
Steven.


Negative Reviews
"... all this is of intense interest to you, but you fail to make it either important or interesting for anyone else."

"You're going to need to develop a better understanding of what poetry actually is."

"This isn't poetry;  it's just a standard-issue beginner's broken-up prose journal entry expressed in a series of clichés of both thought and expression."

"...there's nothing that can be done to salvage this piece in anything remotely like its current incarnation."

"The piece is dead on arrival."

" I imagine [you] haven't spent a lot of time reading lots of well-written poetry."

Positive Reviews
"This is an interesting poem."

"Great poem."

"Too bad you couldn't leave your heartache in the bank and never had to withdraw it."