It occupies an 18-acre plot of land.  It comprises over two dozen buildings, some barely visible anymore, in a mishmash of architectural styles.  It houses various laboratories, a gigantic library, and rundown, labyrinthine, and poorly lit corridors strewn with skeletons and preserved animal specimens.  Much of it has been neither updated nor renovated--nor perhaps even simply dusted--in decades.  It's not the vast, ramshackle estate of a mad scientist in a horror film.  It's the American Museum of Natural History on the Upper West Side.
Those who point out declining public and federal interest in such institutions may blame a lack of upkeep funds.  A postmodern apologist for the AMNH's current state may advance the theory that the museum as a whole, by allowing much of itself to decay in an almost organic manner, is intentionally becoming one of its own exhibits.  However, the simplest and most compelling explanation is an old adage slightly modified:  "If nobody cares that it's broke, don't fix it."
In spite of rampant dilapidation, the AMNH attracts a stampede of nearly 14,000 visitors a day, or approximately 5 million yearly.  The Metropolitan Museum of Art, the only New York museum to top the AMNH in number of visitors, leads by only a small margin of about 4.8%.  Manhattan's Museum of Modern Art and Guggenheim are comparatively deserted, drawing in approximately 2.5 million and 1.1 million visitors per year, respectively, in spite of their being more interesting and culturally relevant (and less depressing).
As at other museums, permanent installations account for the bulk (by our estimation 85%) of the AMNH's public offerings.  These are augmented by special exhibitions that change periodically.  Currently, the museum boasts 45 exhibit halls and six special exhibitions (one is an IMAX movie, another a space documentary narrated by astronomer Whoopi Goldberg).
Of course, only the regular displays are included with general admission tickets (suggested price:  $19).  It costs extra to see any of the special exhibits, implying that the permanent displays are the raison d'être of the American Museum of Natural History.  "If you see nothing else," the ticket pricing structure seems to implore, "at least see those."
Upon entering the museum through an imposing Neo-Classical façade located a flight of stairs above street level on Central Park West, you have begun an experience that will prove by turns exhausting, depressing, disappointing, and disorienting.
The main entrance hall--the Theodore Roosevelt Rotunda--is a cavernous, sun-drenched room filled with the deafening buzz of hundreds of tourists, their multilingual shouts reverberating in the vast chamber.  After navigating the throng, standing in line for several minutes, and shelling out money for a ticket, you pass into "Asian Mammals," whereupon you must pause for several seconds and adjust to the suddenly tomblike ambience.  Once acclimated to the gloomy silence and crepuscular lighting, you are ready to commence a grim odyssey through hall after dilapidated hall, floor after rundown floor, of begrimed installations, crumbling dioramas, and criminally outdated graphic design.
In spite of the museum's impressive attendance numbers, many of the exhibition halls seem curiously bereft of browsers.  When somebody is spotted, he is often plodding mechanically from one end of a gallery to the other, robotically going through the motions, never really examining any of the displays.  As a result, the studious patron has the opportunity to be rewarded (or punished) with an undisturbed, close-up look at each exhibition room.
During your dreary pilgrimage through the museum, you will make certain observations about the galleries, such as that many are festooned with discarded pamphlets, food wrappers, remnants of industrial adhesive tape, and other assorted ephemera.  You will notice unpleasant odors and sudden temperature shifts.  You will see halfheartedly repaired floors, flaking paint, dust-coated windows, and illogically placed pieces of random furniture.  Once you begin inspecting the installations, you will see desiccated landscapes, crudely constructed replicas of flora and fauna, discolored acrylic "ponds," lazy special effects, and hopelessly démodé typography, all of which are often displayed in dioramas.  These dioramas are frequently fading, disintegrating, or incomplete.  They are always lifeless and pedantic.
      This is a museum that boasts many attendees (most of whom pay the full suggested admission), a sizable endowment (its financial records are available for the public, visible through a simple web search), and starring roles in Hollywood movies (e.g., Night at the Museum).   It sounds glamorous and fabulous, but let's get down to brass tacks and take a look at what you, the museum patron, will really see during your visit.

^The Museum meant to depict a stream, but what remains now is nothing more than a rust-stained trench (suggesting not only poor exhibit maintenance, but also high iron content in the water that once ran through this tableau).  

^The Museum's Grand Gallery as captured by this CRABNOX reporter.  Subsequent visits to the Grand Gallery confirmed that it tends to be bereft of patrons.  At the time this image was captured, the opposite side of the Grand Gallery featured an impressive natural mineral sample as well as an empty garment rack.

^Like many exhibit halls in the AMNH, this one features poorly maintained floors and a lack of viewers.

^On a display card, a reference to insects fails to explain the strange grey substance covering a fake apple.  The reference to insects is rendered all the more confusing by the lack of any depiction of insects in the display.  

^The AMNH often relies upon on diner-style typography.

^This image depicts one of the AMNH's most prized diamond specimens.  Unfortunately, the stone is hard to discern since the Museum decided to place it against a yellowing swatch of carpet-like synthetic material.

^Relief map showing the principal environmental areas which influence the distribution of animal life.  This relief map also displays cracks, tears, and smoke stains.

^The AMNH has a curious sense of time.  For instance, it continues to display as "recent acquisitions" items obtained nearly a decade ago.  

^Some sort of chemical reaction or mineral degradation is occurring here.  The AMNH does not seem concerned that one of its mineral specimens is leaking a substance curiously similar to the powdery cheese substance packed in boxes of Kraft macaroni products.  

^Many exhibits--a significant number of them--are disgracefully titled with cut-out cardboard letters attached to the walls of the museum with small nails.

^Always on the bleeding edge of farm technology, the AMNH shows us the "modern farmer."  This caption, prominently displayed, accompanies a depiction of a man riding a tractor and is dated 1950.  

^The Museum's depiction of the natural history of Asia involves a swami floating on a magic carpet (convincingly rendered with special effects).

^An unauthorized photograph (flashes forbidden!) captures the decor of the AMNH.  

If you've ever immersed yourself in the musings of publications like Parade and The American Legion Magazine, you've probably noticed advertisements offering opportunities to acquire "exquisite" "heirlooms" from the Franklin Mint, America's quintessential schlock merchant.  While taking a mental break from Marilyn vos Savant's pseudo-Mensa meanderings, you may have considered obtaining the transfer-printed "Red-Winged Blackbird Porcelain Thimble."  Or, having just learned about where to rent Revolutionary War reenactment props, perhaps you decided to augment your collection with the "Lucinda" figurine from the Mint's "Woodmouse Family" series.

Once you succumb to temptation, you need only clip, complete, and mail the order form--excuse, us "commission authorization"--to reserve your one-of-a-kind gewgaw.  You fulfill your purchase obligation by remitting monthly installment checks, but you pay nothing at first.  By the time half a year has elapsed, you hardly realize that your crystal-encrusted "Style Watch," its "dazzling 22 karat gold finish" now scuffed and flaking, set you back a staggering $245.

For armchair museum directors, the Mint's ads, characterized by torrents of stilted pomp, inspire visions of limited editions, certificates of authenticity, and membership in the "Collector's Society" (the apparent sole perk of which is being added to an email distribution list).  The illusion of future value increase is further propagated by the Mint's frequent and dubious allusions to hallowed institutions and master craftsmen.  But when the name Fabergé is invoked, the reference is not to the imperial Russian jeweler Peter Carl, but rather his sellout grandson Igor.  And the materials aren't solid gold, carved marble, and kiln-fired enamel; they're gold leaf, marbled porcelain, and cold-applied paint.

Still, low intrinsic value does not necessarily signify low market value.  Certain antique newspapers reporting historically significant events can command astonishing premiums.  Jewelry made of Bakelite, an inexpensive plastic popular during the Depression, can sell in the five-figure range.  Are we being too hasty in condemning Franklin Mint products as worthless, tasteless bric-à-brac?

To answer that question, we have created the Offical CRABNOX Franklin Mint Investment Tracker, which studies six randomly-selected Franklin Mint products from approximately twenty years ago, enough time for any immediate post-release frenzy to have subsided and the market to have matured.  We also avoided items whose values are likely to fluctuate with the whims of capricious collectors.  For instance, we wanted to include a nightmare-inducing, kabuki-faced Lucille Ball doll, but we were afraid the inevitable worldwide hysteria over I Love Lucy's 60th anniversary this year would cause an artificial price surge.  So, unless Oprah suddenly declares bisque Arctic wildlife statuettes to the be the next vogue, we think the market for the '80s and '90s items described below has amply stabilized.

In the late 1990s, supermodels began to fade from the prominence they had held for the previous decade, forcing many of them to alter their career trajectories in order to remain relevant.  Linda Evangelista is now the face of L'Oréal Paris. Heidi Klum makes huge sums co-hosting Project Runway. Tyra Banks is beloved by millions (and reviled by more still) for her daytime TV omnipresence. Even Carla Bruni, 20 years after her heyday, remains a fashion icon as former model, former songstress, and current French first lady.


Modeling is, at its essence, merely a form of advertising, but it is not uncommon for a model to display a more extreme and personal form of hucksterism in the post-runway twilight of her career, during which time she'll actually put her imprimatur on a product line. Just as NFL quarterback Joe Montana now pitches a glucosamine-laden bevarge called Joint Juice (his former athletic prowess ostensibly lends him the credibility to endorse a pseudo-medical product promising to reduce joint pain), '60s relic Twiggy shills an "iconic and eclectic" clothing and accessory line on the Home Shopping Network (her former cover girl status ostensibly lends her credibility to endorse pseudo-stylish apparel).

But now, a disturbing new role is being played by certain erstwhile members of the Vogue and Elle set: the ex-model-turned-furniture-designer. Or, perhaps more accurately, furniture "designer."  Below, CRABNOX will examine the epitome of this type of peddler:  Kathy Ireland.

Above:  stock photography and amateurish collage are hallmarks of the kathy ireland Worldwide® advertising aesthetic.

Original sources of fame:  Ireland was "discovered" at age 17, whereupon she immediately began modeling.  From 1984 to 1996, she appeared frequently in Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions.  At the same time, Ireland played small roles in largely forgettable sitcoms and starred in various poorly-received movies

Entrance to hucksterdom:  In 1993, as her modeling career began to wane, the entrepreneuse "designed" a line of socks for K-Mart.

Current company:  kathy ireland Worldwide®  (or, kiWW®)

Headquarters:  The website somewhat breathlessly informs us, "kiWW® maintains offices and design studios in Honolulu, Hawaii, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, kathy ireland Worldwide maintains Head Quarters in Rancho Mirage,CA."  

Slogan:  "...finding solutions for families, especially busy moms."™  The quotation marks are apparently part of the trademarked slogan, suggesting Ireland, or somebody else, actually uttered the words; the ellipsis, one of numerous on the website, leaves us yearning to read the beginning of the statement.  (Elsewhere on the website, Ireland alarmingly puts "going to sleep" in quotation marks when dispensing wisdom to harried parents of insomniac children, casting a murderous, Godfather-esque cloud over her motherly advice.)

Products:  kiWW® stamps its name on an unsettling array of items: "furniture, flooring, decorative surfaces, lighting and accessories, window treatments, replacement windows, home office and entertainment, leather and microfiber, infant, youth and adult top of bed, bedding, candles, hand-painted fine porcelain, decorative shelving, apparel, fresh-cut flowers, skin-care for men and women, wall coverings, ceiling fans, mattresses, totes, hand bags, travel bags, frames, wall décor, clocks, Design It Yourself jewelry and crafting supplies, kitchen and bath cabinetry, infant furniture, Ready to Assemble (RTA), decorative shelving, fine jewelry, wigs and hair extensions,  real estate, vacation events, wedding program licenses, music and film licenses, publishing, greeting cards, Kathy is the author of six books."

Qualifications for promoting these items:  None expressed or implied.

Evidence of the "Designer" at Work:  In a video entitled "ki Home by Shaw Fall Flooring Days,"  a particularly haggard Ireland, clad in a white lab coat, observes and gesticulates as technicians subject rug samples to various tests; these illustrative scenes are interspersed with footage of Ireland hawking rugs to skeptical browsers in a carpet showroom.  

Above:  the "designer" feigns scrutiny of carpet samples.

Meta-endorsements:  Sometimes, in what CRABNOX dubs meta-endorsements, celebrities publicly announce support for other celebrities' products or services.  Overall, the star galaxy has reacted favorably to Ireland's endeavors.  "I think she is a hero, I really do," confesses former chart-topper Anita Pointer.  "She's so clever.  She's brilliant," gushes late fellow huckster Elizabeth Taylor.  Only '80s nighttime soap fixture Joan Van Ark seems reluctant to bestow such ecstatic praise, instead tendering a strictly fact-based appraisal of Ireland's accomplishments.  "For the women down at the Los Angeles Mission," Van Ark states mechanically, her countenance expressionless, "she has donated furniture."

Above:  A grinning Ireland, restrained by Liz Taylor's bloated claw, poses at a World AIDS Day photo-op.  

Representative Products:  Interior design rules, Ireland says, "are made to be broken."  She also reminds us that "your accessories tell a story about you to guests."  With that in mind, CRABNOX has selected three sample items from Ireland's collections for your consideration.

1.  "Brushed copper antique clock with coffee mug graphic"  

Story this product tells to your guests:  You purchase and enjoy furnishings that depict food and beverage items.

Interior design rule broken by this product:  Your decorating style should not emulate that of 1990s sitcom coffee shops.

2.  "Reef Reflections Decorative Accessory"

Story this product tells to your guests:  You let "the voices" tell you what to buy for your home.

Interior design rule broken by this product:  When selecting seaweed-motif objets, take care to avoid those that resemble manmade disasters like chemical plant explosions and ruptured oil tankers.

3.  "Sandy Retreat Table Lamp"

Story this product tells to your guests:  Your closet probably contains at least one pair of slacks embroidered with scores of tiny lobsters.

Interior design rule broken by this product:  Hideously painted beach furniture is not an aesthetically appealing decorative accent, even when rendered in miniature.

Gesture of humility to millions of paying customers:  Following the initiatives of important poet e.e. cummings and Grammy winner k.d. lang, Ireland does not capitilize her initials when they appear in her company's name.

Approximate earnings:  kiWW® raked in $1.4 billion of retail sales last year.  As the helmswoman of the empire, Ireland herself is thought to earn in excess of $10 million annually, nearly triple Linda Evangelista's fabled, but relatively piddling, $10,000 a day.

Betty White to Play All 4 Lead Roles in ‘Golden Girls’ Remake

The Betty White revival continues its unprecedented momentum with news that the star is reprising the role of Rose Nylund, her ditzy Golden Girls character, in the big screen remake of the ‘80s-‘90s TV hit.  Picking up five years after the sitcom left off, the still-untitled film, which started production last month, depicts the four friends as they move from their beloved house to an assisted living complex.  

In addition to renewing her role as Rose, White will also star as characters Blanche Devereaux, Dorothy Zbornak, and Sophia Petrillo, originally played by Rue McClanahan, Bea Arthur, and Estelle Getty, respectively.   

The film’s screenplay was completed in the late ‘90s, but, due the failing health and eventual deaths of three of the stars, a movie remake never seemed feasible and the script languished on the shelf until recently.  A studio executive explained, “Thanks to Betty’s popularity, the whole ‘80s moment pop culture is having, computers, and a few wigs, the Golden Girls movie became more than just a dream.”

The film is slated for fall 2011 release to maximize box office revenue and Oscar buzz.  Our source commented, “Betty’s one of the great actresses of our time.  We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, but she may make Oscar history when she receives four best actress noms for four different roles...in the same film!”

Above:  an early scene in the upcoming Golden Girls film.

Product Label Analysis

Pictured here is label found on Spice Select's "BEEF Flavored BOUILLON CUBES".  We shall demonstrate the success of the package's design through an examination and analysis of the complex illustration seen on the front of the label.

The complexity of the label's design lies in its brilliantly devised depiction of several distinct periods of time within a single image. The illustrator has achieved the closest approximation of a moving image (e.g., a television ad) possible with a static, two-dimensional label illustration. The result is a narrative describing the entire process of consuming the bouillon cubes, from start to finish. Unlike a moving image or series of still images (e.g., a multi-panel ad), the bouillon cube illustration simultaneously presents four separate events or states that would normally occur over a period of perhaps ten or more minutes.

The normal preparation of bouillon cubes can be summarized by describing a linear sequence of events; for example: 1) foil removed from cube(s); 2) cube(s) added to preparation vessel; 3) finished gravy mixture added to serving vessel; 4) filled serving vessel garnished and added to table.

However, in the Spice Selects image, these four events occur in the same instant. In the image, three cubes remain in their foil wrappers, representing the state of the cubes after purchase and before consumption; the foil also ascribes a quality of newness to the cubes. However, in spite of being new and unwrapped, the cubes are already being put to use: they are in the process of tumbling (with tremendous speed, incidentally) toward a waiting vessel. But the vessel contains gravy that is already prepared and adding another cube to the mixture would unfavorably alter the taste; adding three would ruin it completely (the depiction of so many cubes, in such close proximity to the jubilant "75 Cubes" claim, is probably meant to evoke the bounty offered by this 10.5 ounce container). It is important to remark that the addition of these cubes to the existing mixture is not being shown as a attempt to improve the flavor of the mixture; note that the vessel is full with no traces of its having even been sampled. Furthermore, the gravy is already in a mug (serving vessel), not a saucepan (preparation vessel); that and the parsley sprig garnish underneath it imply that the gravy has been satisfactorily prepared and that the mug itself has already been presented for use on a dining table.

To attempt to explain this image as a depiction of a single moment would require creating a convoluted backstory. For instance: the consumer prepared some gravy and, apparently satisfied with the result, poured it into a mug; he placed a decorative sprig of parsley on the table and put the full mug on top of it; however, seconds later, the gravy still steaming and unsampled, he somehow determined the gravy was not satisfactorily prepared after all; he decided to add an astonishing three cubes to that 8-ounce mug of gravy (for which quantity just one cube is recommended by the label's instructions) but after removing the cubes from the package, failed to unwrap them; and now, in the image before us, we see the consumer's frenzied act of adding three unwrapped cubes to an already prepared and presented vessel of gravy (probably before the astonished eyes of other dinner guests, as an 8-ounce mug of gravy is too large a quantity to be consumed by the average diner).

Conversely, to regard the image as an overlapping series of separate events gives us a satisfactory result. With one quick glance, we witness the entire process of preparing gravy using Spice Select's product. From the metallic allure of fresh, unwrapped cubes to the promise of the rich flavor offered by the filled and garnished mug, the entire sequence is presented to us at once, which has the added benefit of implying ease and quickness of preparation. We can compare this simultaneous representation of temporally separate events to one of Picasso's Cubist paintings, wherein we might see the subject's face depicted from several different angles at once.

CRABNOX ARCHIVE: Easter Candy Sales Report

From the Crabnox archives (April 16, 2009)


Now that the Easter holiday has passed, marketing analysts are examining the season's best- and worst-selling candies. Today, CRABNOX will focus on a product introduced this year by the Palmer brand. A rare combination of the chocolatier's art and Freudian psychoanalytic theory, Palmer's "Baby Binks" is a hollow, figural bunny with gaping eye sockets. 

Designers of the sweet sought to combine the beloved taste of milk chocolate with Freud's classic theory of castration anxiety, represented by the absence of eyes. Although early brainstorming sessions predicted that an Easter candy with cerebral overtones ("the thinking man's treat") could become the runaway hit of the season, subsequent post-Easter focus group studies revealed that Baby Binks, with his metaphorically removed testicles, instilled feelings of fear in all male subjects. 

Currently, Palmer has no plans to resurrect the product next Easter.  For a limited time, the many that went unsold before the holiday can now be obtained at grocery and drug stores for as little as $0.54.

Below: the anxiety-provoking confection in and out of its packaging.

The Crabnox Insta-title

Have you completed a film but stalled out on creating a title? If so, your worries are over. With its new INSTA-TITLE, CRABNOX makes that most difficult aspect of movie production easy. Simply take any word from the first box and any word from the second box, and you have the perfect title. The word banks contain vague entries that can signify almost anything, which means that regardless of your film's genre, the INSTA-TITLE will give you an appropriate appellation.  

Ready for the sequel? Take your film's title, add "2:" to the end, and follow the steps above with the word banks below.  For more important sequels, we recommend using "II:" instead.

Here are some samples to get you started:

Unintended Sacrifices 

Unintended Sacrifices 2: The Other Side of Madness 

Secret Moments  

Secret Moments 2: On the Verge of Tomorrow

Forbidden Vengeance

Forbidden Vengeance II:  Brink of Insanity

As gift-giving season draws nigh, many are already scrambling to find that perfect gift. Whether you need something for an awkward office gift exchange or a beloved grandparent, the Crabnox Gift-o-Matic™ has made deciding on a present easier than ever. Use the example shown below, or simply click the grey button for a new idea.

Spaghetti and meatballs. Shepard's pie. Mashed potatoes and gravy.  And "Tortilla Crusted Fish"? While the first three menu options are self-evident classics-traditional dishes that have been prepared the same way for generations-the fourth item is one of countless new products being dubbed "classic" by its manufacturer. The spate of nouveaux classics in grocery aisles led Crabnox to wonder what criteria are being used to deem them so. We ignored that these products are all suspiciously self-described as such (indeed, in a nod to the fact that Coca-Cola is a world-recognized classic, the company recently began the process of eliminating that superfluous label from its products and promotions). Crabnox food investigator Professor Krumsville sent a letter (see below) to several corporations to query about these products and found many interesting claims. In some cases, a product is a classic if it reinforces gender stereotypes. In others, the term refers to an item's poor quality.

Professor Krumsville used the following template for his letters to various manufacturers:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am interested in your [brand name] line of products, especially the [classic product name]. Can you please explain, in detail, why these [items] are "classics"? Do they have "modern" or "contemporary" counterparts?

I am very interested in buying the product, but first require more information about the "classic" aspect.

I am eagerly awaiting your reply.

Sincerely,

Professor Krumsville

Below are the four products Professor Krumsville inquired about, along with the corporate responses and analyses by Crabnox. Note: errors in the corporate responses (such as exotic capitalization and non-traditional punctuation) added a humantistic touch to the faceless email replies Professor Krumsville received and are preserved below.

Case Study 1: Spice Classics

Products: Various inexpensive, mostly salt-based spices and seasonings, including poultry seasoning, seasoned salt, garlic salt, light chili powder, and celery salt.

Corporate Response:
Dear Mr. Krumsville:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We appreciate your interest in our Spice Classics Product and welcome the opportunity to be of assistance to you.

Spice Classics is the name we have given to one of our lower quality line of spices and it contains only the most popular spices and blends used by consumers. Most have a shorter shelf life and may not impart the same depth of flavor as our regular and premium line of McCormick Spices. These can be found in Drug Stores and many 99 cents stores.

We hope to have the continued pleasure of serving you.

Sincerely,

Ann Hamilton
Consumer Affairs Administrator
Ref # 1252236

Analysis: Like Edsel, Ford's 1950s bomb that became a dubious classic by virtue of its faulty craftsmanship, Spice Classics are, according to Consumer Affairs Administrator Ann Hamiliton, so-named because of their shoddy quality.  That and their popularity have won them status as downmarket staples. McCormick does not conceal the fact that the flavor dissipates rapidly and the products can be found at low-end retail outlets. Although several of the various seasonings are admittedly classics (such as ground black pepper), Crabnox found it curious that McCormick was so eager to explain the aspect of inferiority. A crafty marketing maneuver calculated to promote their higher-end spice lines? Or a resigned admission of what the world already knows?

Unexplained Aspect of Product: That such basic spices have less flavor and shelf life. What is McCormick doing or not doing to Spice Classics black pepper that renders it weaker in taste and condemns it to an earlier shelf death than "regular" and "premium" black pepper?

Case Study 2: Stouffer's Homestyle Classics

Products: Various frozen meals.

Corporate Response:
Dear Mr. Krumsville,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us about STOUFFER'S® Escalloped Chicken & Noodles. We welcome questions and comments from loyal consumers such as yourself and appreciate this opportunity to assist you.

We have researched your inquiry and STOUFFER’S® Homestyle Classics- Escalloped Chicken & Noodles is a creamy casserole dish consisting of white meat chicken, fettuccine egg noodles, and vegetables; topped with toasted bread crumbs. It is a Homestyle dinner because it is the type of casserole a mom would make at home versus a restaurant style meal. It is a classic meal because it falls in our traditional, 'homestyle' American favorites.

We appreciate your interest in our products and hope you will visit our website often for the latest information on our products and promotions.

Sincerely,

Roxanne Rizzo
Consumer Response Representative

Analysis: Consumer Response Representative Roxanne Rizzo responded directly about "Escalloped Chicken & Noodles", although Professor Krumsville did not ask about a specific meal from the Homestyle Classics product line. The most interesting point Rizzo makes is that this is the "type of casserole a mom would make at home." In other words, and according to what Rizzo "researched", it is a homestyle meal because it upholds the stereotype of the 1950s stay-at-home mom who toils all day to prepare a meal for the rest of her nuclear family. And because it is a homestyle meal, Ms. Rizzo claims, it is a classic. Therefore, it is a classic because it sets back the women's liberation movement several decades.

Possible Follow-up Questions: If prepared by a member of the transsexual community, do these Stouffer's meals lose their "classic" status? Can nations where women are forbidden to vote be considered "classic countries" because they support the view that women should have limited rights?

Case Study 3: Progresso Vegetable Classics

Products: Canned soups in a variety of flavors, including macaroni and bean, creamy mushroom, and 99% fat free lentil.

Corporate Response:
Hello Mr. Krumsville:

Thank you for contacting Progresso with your inquiry. In answer to your question, the Progresso Vegetable Classics are the name of our soups that are mainly vegetables and were some of the first soups Progresso ever manufactured. We have several lines of Progresso Soups from the Vegetable Classics to the Progresso Lite line of soups. Please visit our website to see the many soups we have.

We hope you find this information helpful. Please let us know if we can help you again.

Thank you,

Paula A. Vaughn
Customer Care Specialist

Analysis: Paula Vaughn, the specialist assigned by Progresso to this case, provided the seemingly most appropriate definition of classics: products that the company has made since its inception. However, Crabnox wonders if 99% fat free options even existed 100 years ago, when Progresso first started out. Additionally, were ingredients such as granular cheese, corn protein (hydrolized), potassium chloride, and Diacetyl Tartaric (Acid) Ester of Monoglyceride, all components of various Vegetable Classics, really used in some of "the first soups Progresso ever manufactured?"

Most Plaintive Moment of Corporate Response: "Please visit our website to see the many soups we have."

Case Study 4: Pantene Pro-V Classic Care

Products: Various hair cleansing and treatment solutions, including a "2 in 1" shampoo and conditioner.

Corporate Response: Pending (281 days and counting).

Possible Explanation of "Classic" Status: Per the label: the product "cleans and conditions hair in one easy step: is specially designed to make hair shiny and healthy-looking from root to tip; leaves hair manageable and strong against damage". Curiously, though, no "step" (i.e., specific action to be undertaken by the end user) is actually disclosed. The label also pronounces authoritatively that "You have normal hair," and subsequently decrees that "You want strong and healthy hair that shines."

The Snuggle Bear Found Murdered

AP-In the early hours of the morning, beloved anthropomorphic detergent spokesmammal the Snuggle Bear was found brutally murdered in an alley in Manhattan's Hell's Kitchen neighborhood. While authorities have few leads, the slaying may have resulted from a drug deal gone awry. According to a family friend, the Snuggle Bear became addicted to crystal meth and cocaine after he lost his personal fortune financing "Alien vs the Snuggle Bear," his big-screen debut, which proved a massive critical and commercial failure. "He was a broken bear," the friend confided. "When he couldn't make it in Hollywood, drugs became his only escape." At this time, no suspects have been named. The Snuggle Bear was 52 bear years old.

Above: at the pinnacle of his career, the Snuggle Bear was one of the world's highest paid ursine media personalities.

Above: the slain corpse of the Snuggle Bear.