
In the late 1990s, supermodels began to fade from the prominence they had held for the previous decade, forcing many of them to alter their career trajectories in order to remain relevant. Linda Evangelista is now the face of L'Oréal Paris. Heidi Klum makes huge sums co-hosting Project Runway. Tyra Banks is beloved by millions (and reviled by more still) for her daytime TV omnipresence. Even Carla Bruni, 20 years after her heyday, remains a fashion icon as former model, former songstress, and current French first lady.
Modeling is, at its essence, merely a form of advertising, but it is not uncommon for a model to display a more extreme and personal form of hucksterism in the post-runway twilight of her career, during which time she'll actually put her imprimatur on a product line. Just as NFL quarterback Joe Montana now pitches a glucosamine-laden bevarge called Joint Juice (his former athletic prowess ostensibly lends him the credibility to endorse a pseudo-medical product promising to reduce joint pain), '60s relic Twiggy shills an "iconic and eclectic" clothing and accessory line on the Home Shopping Network (her former cover girl status ostensibly lends her credibility to endorse pseudo-stylish apparel).
But now, a disturbing new role is being played by certain erstwhile members of the Vogue and Elle set: the ex-model-turned-furniture-designer. Or, perhaps more accurately, furniture "designer." Below, CRABNOX will examine the epitome of this type of peddler: Kathy Ireland.
Above: stock photography and amateurish collage are hallmarks of the kathy ireland Worldwide® advertising aesthetic.
Original sources of fame: Ireland was "discovered" at age 17, whereupon she immediately began modeling. From 1984 to 1996, she appeared frequently in Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions. At the same time, Ireland played small roles in largely forgettable sitcoms and starred in various poorly-received movies
Entrance to hucksterdom: In 1993, as her modeling career began to wane, the entrepreneuse "designed" a line of socks for K-Mart.
Current company: kathy ireland Worldwide® (or, kiWW®)
Headquarters: The website somewhat breathlessly informs us, "kiWW® maintains offices and design studios in Honolulu, Hawaii, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, kathy ireland Worldwide maintains Head Quarters in Rancho Mirage,CA."
Slogan: "...finding solutions for families, especially busy moms."™ The quotation marks are apparently part of the trademarked slogan, suggesting Ireland, or somebody else, actually uttered the words; the ellipsis, one of numerous on the website, leaves us yearning to read the beginning of the statement. (Elsewhere on the website, Ireland alarmingly puts "going to sleep" in quotation marks when dispensing wisdom to harried parents of insomniac children, casting a murderous, Godfather-esque cloud over her motherly advice.)
Products: kiWW® stamps its name on an unsettling array of items: "furniture, flooring, decorative surfaces, lighting and accessories, window treatments, replacement windows, home office and entertainment, leather and microfiber, infant, youth and adult top of bed, bedding, candles, hand-painted fine porcelain, decorative shelving, apparel, fresh-cut flowers, skin-care for men and women, wall coverings, ceiling fans, mattresses, totes, hand bags, travel bags, frames, wall décor, clocks, Design It Yourself jewelry and crafting supplies, kitchen and bath cabinetry, infant furniture, Ready to Assemble (RTA), decorative shelving, fine jewelry, wigs and hair extensions, real estate, vacation events, wedding program licenses, music and film licenses, publishing, greeting cards, Kathy is the author of six books."
Qualifications for promoting these items: None expressed or implied.
Evidence of the "Designer" at Work: In a video entitled "ki Home by Shaw Fall Flooring Days," a particularly haggard Ireland, clad in a white lab coat, observes and gesticulates as technicians subject rug samples to various tests; these illustrative scenes are interspersed with footage of Ireland hawking rugs to skeptical browsers in a carpet showroom.
Above: the "designer" feigns scrutiny of carpet samples.
Meta-endorsements: Sometimes, in what CRABNOX dubs meta-endorsements, celebrities publicly announce support for other celebrities' products or services. Overall, the star galaxy has reacted favorably to Ireland's endeavors. "I think she is a hero, I really do," confesses former chart-topper Anita Pointer. "She's so clever. She's brilliant," gushes late fellow huckster Elizabeth Taylor. Only '80s nighttime soap fixture Joan Van Ark seems reluctant to bestow such ecstatic praise, instead tendering a strictly fact-based appraisal of Ireland's accomplishments. "For the women down at the Los Angeles Mission," Van Ark states mechanically, her countenance expressionless, "she has donated furniture."
Above: A grinning Ireland, restrained by Liz Taylor's bloated claw, poses at a World AIDS Day photo-op.
Representative Products: Interior design rules, Ireland says, "are made to be broken." She also reminds us that "your accessories tell a story about you to guests." With that in mind, CRABNOX has selected three sample items from Ireland's collections for your consideration.
1. "Brushed copper antique clock with coffee mug graphic"
Story this product tells to your guests: You purchase and enjoy furnishings that depict food and beverage items.
Interior design rule broken by this product: Your decorating style should not emulate that of 1990s sitcom coffee shops.
2. "Reef Reflections Decorative Accessory"
Story this product tells to your guests: You let "the voices" tell you what to buy for your home.
Interior design rule broken by this product: When selecting seaweed-motif objets, take care to avoid those that resemble manmade disasters like chemical plant explosions and ruptured oil tankers.
3. "Sandy Retreat Table Lamp"
Story this product tells to your guests: Your closet probably contains at least one pair of slacks embroidered with scores of tiny lobsters.
Interior design rule broken by this product: Hideously painted beach furniture is not an aesthetically appealing decorative accent, even when rendered in miniature.
Gesture of humility to millions of paying customers: Following the initiatives of important poet e.e. cummings and Grammy winner k.d. lang, Ireland does not capitilize her initials when they appear in her company's name.
Approximate earnings: kiWW® raked in $1.4 billion of retail sales last year. As the helmswoman of the empire, Ireland herself is thought to earn in excess of $10 million annually, nearly triple Linda Evangelista's fabled, but relatively piddling, $10,000 a day.