Thursday, February 24, 2011

Crabnox Introduces Budget Keyboard

Just because times are tough doesn't mean your computer equipment will take a break from malfunctioning.  Especially your keyboard, one of the first pieces of computer equipment to break due to its constant use and propensity to attract dust, crumbs, and insects. 

But don't worry. ICM (International Crabnox Machines) is proud to introduce its latest innovation, the Budget Keyboard, for belt-tightening letter users. At only $3.95 per unit, it's cheaper than a fast food meal, so you can use it day and night and not break a sweat "if" it falls apart and you have to buy a replacement.

The ICM Budget Keyboard features the same high-tech styling seen on those designer 100-button keyboards but keeps its cost low by eliminating many superfluous keys (who can afford two "SHIFT" keys?). And at only 6" x 3", the IPM Budget Keyboard is highly portable for those on-the-go computer users.





Here are some glowing testimonials from satisfied users of the ICM Budget Keyboard:


"Mie phriend likes Crabnox" 

"Crabnox dis is a nice keeboard"


"Perphek I plan on bie dis Crabnox keeboard phor mie mom"


"Crabnox keeboard been a boon phor mie ophis"

"Crabnox keeboard is phab"



Ordr soon--sahplie is limidded!

Product Label Analysis





Pictured here is label found on Spice Select's "BEEF Flavored BOUILLON CUBES".  We shall demonstrate the success of the package's design through an examination and analysis of the complex illustration seen on the front of the label.

The complexity of the label's design lies in its brilliantly devised depiction of several distinct periods of time within a single image. The illustrator has achieved the closest approximation of a moving image (e.g., a television ad) possible with a static, two-dimensional label illustration. The result is a narrative describing the entire process of consuming the bouillon cubes, from start to finish. Unlike a moving image or series of still images (e.g., a multi-panel ad), the bouillon cube illustration simultaneously presents four separate events or states that would normally occur over a period of perhaps ten or more minutes.

The normal preparation of bouillon cubes can be summarized by describing a linear sequence of events; for example: 1) foil removed from cube(s); 2) cube(s) added to preparation vessel; 3) finished gravy mixture added to serving vessel; 4) filled serving vessel garnished and added to table.

However, in the Spice Selects image, these four events occur in the same instant. In the image, three cubes remain in their foil wrappers, representing the state of the cubes after purchase and before consumption; the foil also ascribes a quality of newness to the cubes. However, in spite of being new and unwrapped, the cubes are already being put to use: they are in the process of tumbling (with tremendous speed, incidentally) toward a waiting vessel. But the vessel contains gravy that is already prepared and adding another cube to the mixture would unfavorably alter the taste; adding three would ruin it completely (the depiction of so many cubes, in such close proximity to the jubilant "75 Cubes" claim, is probably meant to evoke the bounty offered by this 10.5 ounce container). It is important to remark that the addition of these cubes to the existing mixture is not being shown as a attempt to improve the flavor of the mixture; note that the vessel is full with no traces of its having even been sampled. Furthermore, the gravy is already in a mug (serving vessel), not a saucepan (preparation vessel); that and the parsley sprig garnish underneath it imply that the gravy has been satisfactorily prepared and that the mug itself has already been presented for use on a dining table.

To attempt to explain this image as a depiction of a single moment would require creating a convoluted backstory. For instance: the consumer prepared some gravy and, apparently satisfied with the result, poured it into a mug; he placed a decorative sprig of parsley on the table and put the full mug on top of it; however, seconds later, the gravy still steaming and unsampled, he somehow determined the gravy was not satisfactorily prepared after all; he decided to add an astonishing three cubes to that 8-ounce mug of gravy (for which quantity just one cube is recommended by the label's instructions) but after removing the cubes from the package, failed to unwrap them; and now, in the image before us, we see the consumer's frenzied act of adding three unwrapped cubes to an already prepared and presented vessel of gravy (probably before the astonished eyes of other dinner guests, as an 8-ounce mug of gravy is too large a quantity to be consumed by the average diner).

Conversely, to regard the image as an overlapping series of separate events gives us a satisfactory result. With one quick glance, we witness the entire process of preparing gravy using Spice Select's product. From the metallic allure of fresh, unwrapped cubes to the promise of the rich flavor offered by the filled and garnished mug, the entire sequence is presented to us at once, which has the added benefit of implying ease and quickness of preparation. We can compare this simultaneous representation of temporally separate events to one of Picasso's Cubist paintings, wherein we might see the subject's face depicted from several different angles at once.

CRABNOX ARCHIVE: Easter Candy Sales Report

From the Crabnox archives (April 16, 2009)


Now that the Easter holiday has passed, marketing analysts are examining the season's best- and worst-selling candies. Today, CRABNOX will focus on a product introduced this year by the Palmer brand. A rare combination of the chocolatier's art and Freudian psychoanalytic theory, Palmer's "Baby Binks" is a hollow, figural bunny with gaping eye sockets. 

Designers of the sweet sought to combine the beloved taste of milk chocolate with Freud's classic theory of castration anxiety, represented by the absence of eyes. Although early brainstorming sessions predicted that an Easter candy with cerebral overtones ("the thinking man's treat") could become the runaway hit of the season, subsequent post-Easter focus group studies revealed that Baby Binks, with his metaphorically removed testicles, instilled feelings of fear in all male subjects. 

Currently, Palmer has no plans to resurrect the product next Easter.  For a limited time, the many that went unsold before the holiday can now be obtained at grocery and drug stores for as little as $0.54.


Below: the anxiety-provoking confection in and out of its packaging.




The Crabnox Insta-title



Have you completed a film but stalled out on creating a title? If so, your worries are over. With its new INSTA-TITLE, CRABNOX makes that most difficult aspect of movie production easy. Simply take any word from the first box and any word from the second box, and you have the perfect title. The word banks contain vague entries that can signify almost anything, which means that regardless of your film's genre, the INSTA-TITLE will give you an appropriate appellation.  


Ready for the sequel? Take your film's title, add "2:" to the end, and follow the steps above with the word banks below.  For more important sequels, we recommend using "II:" instead.



Here are some samples to get you started:
Unintended Sacrifices 
Unintended Sacrifices 2: The Other Side of Madness 
Secret Moments  
Secret Moments 2: On the Verge of Tomorrow
Forbidden Vengeance
Forbidden Vengeance II:  Brink of Insanity