We Don't Design Ceiling Fans for Less Than $10,000 a Day

By the turn of the millennium, some of the most iconic supermodels of the '80s and '90s were aging out of the merciless but high-paying job of publicly wearing expensive clothes.  In order to remain relevant, many altered their career trajectories:  Linda Evangelista became the face of L’Oréal Paris; Heidi Klum signed a lucrative contract to co-host Project Runway; Janice Dickinson became a legendarily quarrelsome reality TV habitué; and so on.

A star can generate significant income by selling his or her name. Whether it’s a dazzling red-carpet collaboration (e.g., Lady Gaga donning a multimillion-dollar Tiffany necklace at the Oscars), a sleazy TV endorsement (e.g., a wizened and strangely excitable Joe Namath working himself into a frenzy as he plugs the scammy Medicare Advantage program), or a desperate late-career cash grab (e.g., Richard Simmons permitting his cranial likeness to be manufactured as a Chia Pet), a corporate partnership is one of the easiest ways for a famous person to rake in some extra money. 

But there is a more extreme form of celebrity huckster to which we would like to draw your attention:  the ex-model-turned-home-furnishings-designer.  Today, we will examine the ne plus ultra of this species of peddler:  Kathy Ireland.

Career history:  Ireland was “discovered” at age 17, whereupon she launched her modeling career.  From 1984 to 1996, she was a frequent feature in Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions.  During this time, Ireland rounded out her résumé by starring in various box office failures and playing bit parts in doomed sitcoms.

Entrance to hucksterism:  In 1993, as her modeling career showed early signs of flagging, the entrepreneuse “designed” a line of socks for K-Mart.

Current company:  kathy ireland Worldwide® (kiWW®)

Above:  the kathy ireland Worldwide® advertising aesthetic is defined by hastily-assembled collages of stock photographs. 

Headquarters:  Its website breathlessly informs us, “kiWW® maintains offices and design studios in Honolulu, Hawaii, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara kathy ireland Worldwide maintains Head Quarters in Rancho Mirage,CA.”

Slogan:  "...finding solutions for families, especially busy moms."™  The quotation marks are apparently part of the trademarked slogan, suggesting Ireland, or somebody else, actually uttered the words; the ellipsis, one of countless on the website, implies the statement had a beginning part that failed to make it to the trademarking stage.  (Elsewhere on the website, Ireland alarmingly puts "going to sleep" in quotation marks when dispensing wisdom to harried parents of insomniac children, casting a murderous, Godfatherian cloud over her motherly advice.)

Products:  kiWW® plasters its name on an unsettling array of items, presented on the site in an almost interminable stream-of-consciousness-style list: "furniture, flooring, decorative surfaces, lighting and accessories, window treatments, replacement windows, home office and entertainment, leather and microfiber, infant, youth and adult top of bed, bedding, candles, hand-painted fine porcelain, decorative shelving, apparel, fresh-cut flowers, skin-care for men and women, wall coverings, ceiling fans, mattresses, totes, hand bags, travel bags, frames, wall décor, clocks, Design It Yourself jewelry and crafting supplies, kitchen and bath cabinetry, infant furniture, Ready to Assemble (RTA), decorative shelving, fine jewelry, wigs and hair extensions,  real estate, vacation events, wedding program licenses, music and film licenses, publishing, greeting cards, Kathy is the author of six books."

Qualifications for promoting these items:  It’s not surprising that Ireland would put her imprimatur on fashion- and appearance-related goods like jewelry and wigs; less apparent are her credentials to hawk things like mattresses, kitchen cabinetry, and music licenses.

Evidence of the “designer” at work:  In the clunkily-titled video “ki Home by Shaw Fall Flooring Days”, a particularly haggard Ireland, clad in a white lab coat, observes and gesticulates as swarming technicians subject nearby rug samples to various tests; this behind-the-scenes footage is intercut with clips of the visibly exhausted ex-supermodel haranguing skeptical showroom browsers about her flooring products.  

Above:  the "designer" feigns scrutiny of carpet pile.

Meta-endorsements:  Sometimes, in what we dub "meta-endorsements", celebrities openly declare support for other celebrities’ products or services.  A video promoting kiWW® reveals that the star galaxy takes a generally favorable view of the onetime catwalker’s undertakings. “She’s brilliant,” gushes late fellow pitchwoman Elizabeth Taylor.  “I think she’s a hero,” confesses former chart-topper Anita Pointer.  Only ‘80s primetime soap fixture Joan Van Ark seems reluctant to bestow such ecstatic praise, instead tendering a strictly fact-based appraisal of Ireland’s activities.  “For the women down at the Los Angeles Mission,” Van Ark states mechanically, her countenance expressionless, “she has donated furniture.”

Above:  A grinning Ireland, restrained by Liz Taylor's bloated claw, poses at a World AIDS Day photo-op.  

Representative products:  Interior design rules, advises Ireland, “are made to be broken.”  She also reminds us that “your accessories tell a story about you to guests.”  With these insights in mind, we have selected three sample items from Ireland’s collections for your consideration.

1.  "Brushed copper antique clock with coffee mug graphic"  

Story this product tells your guests:  You purchase and enjoy furnishings that depict food and beverage items.

Interior design rule broken by this product:  Do not decorate your home as if it were a coffee shop in a mid-90s sitcom.

2.  "Reef Reflections Decorative Accessory"

Story this product tells to your guests:  You shop blindfolded.

Interior design rule broken by this product:  When selecting seaweed-motif objets, take care to avoid those that resemble manmade disasters like chemical plant explosions and ruptured oil tankers.

3.  "Sandy Retreat Table Lamp"

Story this product tells your guests:  You also own a pair of khaki slacks embroidered with scores of tiny red lobsters.

Interior design rule broken by this product:  Tacky beach furniture is not an aesthetically appealing decorative accent, even when rendered in miniature.  

Gesture of humility to millions of paying customers:  Following the initiatives of important poet e.e. cummings and Grammy winner k.d. lang, Ireland does not capitilize her initials when they appear in her company's name.

Approximate earnings:  kiWW® raked in $1.4 billion of retail sales last year.  As the helmswoman of the empire, Ireland herself is thought to earn in excess of $10 million annually, far exceeding Linda Evangelista's fabled, but relatively piddling, $10,000 a day.

Product Label Analysis

Pictured here is label found on Spice Select's "BEEF Flavored BOUILLON CUBES".  We shall demonstrate the success of the package's design through an examination and analysis of the complex illustration seen on the front of the label.

The complexity of the label's design lies in its brilliantly devised depiction of several distinct periods of time within a single image. The illustrator has achieved the closest approximation of a moving image (e.g., a television ad) possible with a static, two-dimensional label illustration. The result is a narrative describing the entire process of consuming the bouillon cubes, from start to finish. Unlike a moving image or series of still images (e.g., a multi-panel ad), the bouillon cube illustration simultaneously presents four separate events or states that would normally occur over a period of perhaps ten or more minutes.

The normal preparation of bouillon cubes can be summarized by describing a linear sequence of events; for example: 1) foil removed from cube(s); 2) cube(s) added to preparation vessel; 3) finished gravy mixture added to serving vessel; 4) filled serving vessel garnished and added to table.

However, in the Spice Selects image, these four events occur in the same instant. In the image, three cubes remain in their foil wrappers, representing the state of the cubes after purchase and before consumption; the foil also ascribes a quality of newness to the cubes. However, in spite of being new and unwrapped, the cubes are already being put to use: they are in the process of tumbling (with tremendous speed, incidentally) toward a waiting vessel. But the vessel contains gravy that is already prepared and adding another cube to the mixture would unfavorably alter the taste; adding three would ruin it completely (the depiction of so many cubes, in such close proximity to the jubilant "75 Cubes" claim, is probably meant to evoke the bounty offered by this 10.5 ounce container). It is important to remark that the addition of these cubes to the existing mixture is not being shown as a attempt to improve the flavor of the mixture; note that the vessel is full with no traces of its having even been sampled. Furthermore, the gravy is already in a mug (serving vessel), not a saucepan (preparation vessel); that and the parsley sprig garnish underneath it imply that the gravy has been satisfactorily prepared and that the mug itself has already been presented for use on a dining table.

To attempt to explain this image as a depiction of a single moment would require creating a convoluted backstory. For instance: the consumer prepared some gravy and, apparently satisfied with the result, poured it into a mug; he placed a decorative sprig of parsley on the table and put the full mug on top of it; however, seconds later, the gravy still steaming and unsampled, he somehow determined the gravy was not satisfactorily prepared after all; he decided to add an astonishing three cubes to that 8-ounce mug of gravy (for which quantity just one cube is recommended by the label's instructions) but after removing the cubes from the package, failed to unwrap them; and now, in the image before us, we see the consumer's frenzied act of adding three unwrapped cubes to an already prepared and presented vessel of gravy (probably before the astonished eyes of other dinner guests, as an 8-ounce mug of gravy is too large a quantity to be consumed by the average diner).

Conversely, to regard the image as an overlapping series of separate events gives us a satisfactory result. With one quick glance, we witness the entire process of preparing gravy using Spice Select's product. From the metallic allure of fresh, unwrapped cubes to the promise of the rich flavor offered by the filled and garnished mug, the entire sequence is presented to us at once, which has the added benefit of implying ease and quickness of preparation. We can compare this simultaneous representation of temporally separate events to one of Picasso's Cubist paintings, wherein we might see the subject's face depicted from several different angles at once.

Defining the "Classics"

Spaghetti and meatballs. Shepard's pie. Mashed potatoes and gravy.  And "Tortilla Crusted Fish"? While the first three menu options are self-evident classics-traditional dishes that have been prepared the same way for generations-the fourth item is one of countless new products being dubbed "classic" by its manufacturer. The spate of nouveaux classics in grocery aisles led Crabnox to wonder what criteria are being used to deem them so. We ignored that these products are all suspiciously self-described as such (indeed, in a nod to the fact that Coca-Cola is a world-recognized classic, the company recently began the process of eliminating that superfluous label from its products and promotions). Crabnox food investigator Professor Krumsville sent a letter (see below) to several corporations to query about these products and found many interesting claims. In some cases, a product is a classic if it reinforces gender stereotypes. In others, the term refers to an item's poor quality.

Professor Krumsville used the following template for his letters to various manufacturers:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am interested in your [brand name] line of products, especially the [classic product name]. Can you please explain, in detail, why these [items] are "classics"? Do they have "modern" or "contemporary" counterparts?

I am very interested in buying the product, but first require more information about the "classic" aspect.

I am eagerly awaiting your reply.

Sincerely,

Professor Krumsville

Below are the four products Professor Krumsville inquired about, along with the corporate responses and analyses by Crabnox. Note: errors in the corporate responses (such as exotic capitalization and non-traditional punctuation) added a humantistic touch to the faceless email replies Professor Krumsville received and are preserved below.

Case Study 1: Spice Classics

Products: Various inexpensive, mostly salt-based spices and seasonings, including poultry seasoning, seasoned salt, garlic salt, light chili powder, and celery salt.

Corporate Response:
Dear Mr. Krumsville:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We appreciate your interest in our Spice Classics Product and welcome the opportunity to be of assistance to you.

Spice Classics is the name we have given to one of our lower quality line of spices and it contains only the most popular spices and blends used by consumers. Most have a shorter shelf life and may not impart the same depth of flavor as our regular and premium line of McCormick Spices. These can be found in Drug Stores and many 99 cents stores.

We hope to have the continued pleasure of serving you.

Sincerely,

Ann Hamilton
Consumer Affairs Administrator
Ref # 1252236

Analysis: Like Edsel, Ford's 1950s bomb that became a dubious classic by virtue of its faulty craftsmanship, Spice Classics are, according to Consumer Affairs Administrator Ann Hamiliton, so-named because of their shoddy quality.  That and their popularity have won them status as downmarket staples. McCormick does not conceal the fact that the flavor dissipates rapidly and the products can be found at low-end retail outlets. Although several of the various seasonings are admittedly classics (such as ground black pepper), Crabnox found it curious that McCormick was so eager to explain the aspect of inferiority. A crafty marketing maneuver calculated to promote their higher-end spice lines? Or a resigned admission of what the world already knows?

Unexplained Aspect of Product: That such basic spices have less flavor and shelf life. What is McCormick doing or not doing to Spice Classics black pepper that renders it weaker in taste and condemns it to an earlier shelf death than "regular" and "premium" black pepper?

Case Study 2: Stouffer's Homestyle Classics

Products: Various frozen meals.

Corporate Response:
Dear Mr. Krumsville,

Thank you for taking the time to contact us about STOUFFER'S® Escalloped Chicken & Noodles. We welcome questions and comments from loyal consumers such as yourself and appreciate this opportunity to assist you.

We have researched your inquiry and STOUFFER’S® Homestyle Classics- Escalloped Chicken & Noodles is a creamy casserole dish consisting of white meat chicken, fettuccine egg noodles, and vegetables; topped with toasted bread crumbs. It is a Homestyle dinner because it is the type of casserole a mom would make at home versus a restaurant style meal. It is a classic meal because it falls in our traditional, 'homestyle' American favorites.

We appreciate your interest in our products and hope you will visit our website often for the latest information on our products and promotions.

Sincerely,

Roxanne Rizzo
Consumer Response Representative

Analysis: Consumer Response Representative Roxanne Rizzo responded directly about "Escalloped Chicken & Noodles", although Professor Krumsville did not ask about a specific meal from the Homestyle Classics product line. The most interesting point Rizzo makes is that this is the "type of casserole a mom would make at home." In other words, and according to what Rizzo "researched", it is a homestyle meal because it upholds the stereotype of the 1950s stay-at-home mom who toils all day to prepare a meal for the rest of her nuclear family. And because it is a homestyle meal, Ms. Rizzo claims, it is a classic. Therefore, it is a classic because it sets back the women's liberation movement several decades.

Possible Follow-up Questions: If prepared by a member of the transsexual community, do these Stouffer's meals lose their "classic" status? Can nations where women are forbidden to vote be considered "classic countries" because they support the view that women should have limited rights?

Case Study 3: Progresso Vegetable Classics

Products: Canned soups in a variety of flavors, including macaroni and bean, creamy mushroom, and 99% fat free lentil.

Corporate Response:
Hello Mr. Krumsville:

Thank you for contacting Progresso with your inquiry. In answer to your question, the Progresso Vegetable Classics are the name of our soups that are mainly vegetables and were some of the first soups Progresso ever manufactured. We have several lines of Progresso Soups from the Vegetable Classics to the Progresso Lite line of soups. Please visit our website to see the many soups we have.

We hope you find this information helpful. Please let us know if we can help you again.

Thank you,

Paula A. Vaughn
Customer Care Specialist

Analysis: Paula Vaughn, the specialist assigned by Progresso to this case, provided the seemingly most appropriate definition of classics: products that the company has made since its inception. However, Crabnox wonders if 99% fat free options even existed 100 years ago, when Progresso first started out. Additionally, were ingredients such as granular cheese, corn protein (hydrolized), potassium chloride, and Diacetyl Tartaric (Acid) Ester of Monoglyceride, all components of various Vegetable Classics, really used in some of "the first soups Progresso ever manufactured?"

Most Plaintive Moment of Corporate Response: "Please visit our website to see the many soups we have."

Case Study 4: Pantene Pro-V Classic Care

Products: Various hair cleansing and treatment solutions, including a "2 in 1" shampoo and conditioner.

Corporate Response: Pending (281 days and counting).

Possible Explanation of "Classic" Status: Per the label: the product "cleans and conditions hair in one easy step: is specially designed to make hair shiny and healthy-looking from root to tip; leaves hair manageable and strong against damage". Curiously, though, no "step" (i.e., specific action to be undertaken by the end user) is actually disclosed. The label also pronounces authoritatively that "You have normal hair," and subsequently decrees that "You want strong and healthy hair that shines."

The Snuggle Bear Found Murdered

AP-In the early hours of the morning, beloved anthropomorphic detergent spokesmammal the Snuggle Bear was found brutally murdered in an alley in Manhattan's Hell's Kitchen neighborhood. While authorities have few leads, the slaying may have resulted from a drug deal gone awry. According to a family friend, the Snuggle Bear became addicted to crystal meth and cocaine after he lost his personal fortune financing "Alien vs the Snuggle Bear," his big-screen debut, which proved a massive critical and commercial failure. "He was a broken bear," the friend confided. "When he couldn't make it in Hollywood, drugs became his only escape." At this time, no suspects have been named. The Snuggle Bear was 52 bear years old.

Above: at the pinnacle of his career, the Snuggle Bear was one of the world's highest paid ursine media personalities.

Above: the slain corpse of the Snuggle Bear.